I have this weird habit. Whenever I tell people about it they give me a funny look and start talking to me like I am some sort of freak.

I've been chewing on the inside of my lip since I was 8 years old and I can't stop. I used to chew until I bled and had big sores. I've managed to lessen the bite but I still chew. I've tried to stop but will still do it despite my efforts. I guess I have a bit of a neurotic, compulsive oral fixation.

I noticed about 8 months ago that I had a teeny tiny bump on the inside of my lip. The bump got noticeable bigger over the last 2 months. I started to worry because I found out that my habit could lead to cancer. So I made an appointment at SF General because I don't have any insurance.

The doctors told me that it was a fibroma (a benign fibrous tissue) and it would come back if I had it removed because of my lip chewing. Well I wanted them to actually take the tissue, put it under a microscope and then tell me that what I have is benign. I was tired of worrying.

Oh my God. The needles alone going into my lip for the anesthesia were bad enough. They hurt! I don't like going to the doctor. I clench my fists and curl my toes whenever I get my blood taken out.

There was an intern doing the actual cutting with a doctor leading her. I heard every step including what she wasn't supposed to be doing. And other little blurbs like, "Oh, that's just a salivary gland popping up." I could see the whole thing in my mind. Then the doctor and her started chit chatting. She told him that after performing this task, she shouldn't have to do blah-blah for the next 6 months. Come on people! Have some sensitivity here! I had to ask her to pull the curtain aside after she shot up my lip. I guess they were going to do the whole thing with me exposed to the world. Who cares, right?

They finished in the nick of time. I didn't know how long I was going to be able to hold out because I felt like puking. I was shaking and had to ask for water when I sat up. I even cried. I was surprised by the crying but I guess that I was so shaken up that it was all I could do. I was scared! All the damn doctor did was place his hand on my shoulder and ask if I was a student. What?

Oh, when I looked at the table with all of the surgical instruments, I saw a little, pink, glistening chunk of flesh. A little chunk of me. I pointed at it and the intern told me that it wasn't needed for the biopsy. So what was it, excess flesh that didn't need to be cut out?? They did, after all, tell me that the lump was so small that they could take out the entire thing for a biopsy. That chunk looked bigger than my lump! Eek!

Sigh, so now I am home and I'm lucky that I have some codeine because they thought that all I'd need was some ibuprofen. Wrong! When the anesthesia wore off, my lip fucking hurt. I feel bad beacause I can't afford to not work but the codeine made me sleepy and I was still shaken up by the whole experience.

At least the lump is gone and they'll tell me what it was for sure in 2 weeks.

Sigh.